Conceiving, With Secondary Infertility

We tried for three years for Ilan. Since Gibran was 1 year 10 months to be exact. We conceived in December 2010, the month Gibran turned 4 years old.

Every month I observed my menstrual cycle and calculate the possibly-ovulating day. For two years my period was not regular, so every month was spent waiting in suspense to see if we'd conceived, only to be immensely disappointed by the arrival of Aunt Flo who always came late, never predictable, always an unwelcome visitor.

The year 2010 Gibran started play school, and I joined a gym. I was 68 kilos with 30% body fat. I was overweight to say the least.

I bought 24 sessions of personal training and worked happily with my ex-trainer Aizat (A). We had specific goals. Strengthen the spine, lose the body fat, lose the weight, regulate the menstrual cycle and eventually to InsyaAllah conceive. H was supportive of these goals and eventually A became our friend, and confidante. One training session costs approximately RM120. A gave me many free sessions at his own expense to help me achieve my goals.

Time went by and the weight was hard to shake off. A asked me if I had hormone problems. Some people with hormone problems have irregular menses and it can be hard for them to lose weight. At the same time I got to know Dr. Farhat, a dermatologist by profession, but with a keen interest on alternative medicines. She asked me to do a blood test to check my hormone levels.

The blood test showed severe problems with my hormone levels. A seriously low progesterone level, high estrogen level, and other highs and lows. She recommended bio-identical hormones of plant origin, and I agreed. The hormones did not come cheap, at approximately RM500 - RM800 per month.

Months went by and with regular exercise (I exercised five times a week, twice with A and three times on my own, about 2 to 3 hours each time), my period became regular. And as I started taking the hormones, I felt better, with less PMS /mood swings, and increased energy level. This was, as Dr. F said, a sign that the hormones were working InsyaAllah. Dr. F also became a dear friend and supporter of our efforts to conceive.

Meanwhile, I was seeing doctors at Tropicana Medical Center for regular check-ups and possibly undergoing IUI and IVF treatments. The doctors have ruled out any serious fertility problems and we made an appointment to start with the IUI treatments to help us conceive.

Dr. F told me to be patient and give the hormones time to work. I continued training with A and lost 8 kilos (no easy feat!). I was aiming to lose 5 more kilos so that should I conceive, the weight gain from pregnancy would not put too much stress on my spine later on.

A year after I started training, and after four months of hormone treatment, with an IUI appointment for insemination scheduled in three weeks' time.. we conceived Ilan.

:)

Yes we tried hard to conceive Ilan, and we would've tried any means, all the means available if need be. Alhamdulillah, Allah has given us the fruit of our efforts in the form of this chubby, noisy baby that is Ilan Yusuf. I pray He will guide us in raising our children into good mu'minun.

For our dear friends who are still trying to conceive, don't give up yet. InsyaAllah, if we exhaust all the means that He has provided for us, we can at least live knowing that we have tried our best, MasyaAllah.

Gibran At 5 Going on 6

Abang warms up my heart and tickles me with his jokes and words. Abang also annoys me and pushes me over the edge with his recklessness, demands and whines. Abang has grown up so much and looks so big beside Ilan that I force myself to go out one-on-one with him at least once a week... so that I am reminded how actually small and young he still is, and how he needs our guidance so much still, more than ever as he grows up through these developing years.

He absorbs phrases from school, his surrounding, and the television like a sponge. When he plays on the Ipad now, he'll ask Megatron; "You want a piece of me?? You want a piece of me? Take that! Have that! You want a knuckle sandwich? Yeahhhhh! Yessssss I win! I'm the King of London!!!" (and so much more).... and uses so much forceful words and commands that I often get taken aback because H and I don't use those phrases ourselves.

He worries me when he takes nonsense and crap from bullies like his cousin Nabeel. Sigh. With his head nodding to everything Nabeel says and tears pooling in his eyes whenever Nabeel tells Shamel not to "kawan" Gibran because Gibran didn't do as Nabeel wanted.. my heart aches and I go to his rescue. But I can't be there all the time can I? In the real world Gibran must learn to stand up for himself and learn to differentiate what's acceptable and what's not. But he still has a long way to go.. and I try to improve the situation by encouraging him to embrace his individualism, to make his own decisions, and I try very, very, very hard not to "break" his spirits further by scolding or abusive words. When he was going through his terrible twos-and-threes.. H and I were very stern and strict with him. The strictness has led to a lot of good.. he listens to us and is respectful of his elders, but being inexperience parents ourselves (and no I'm not trying to defend our parenting approach as every parent ultimately tries his/her very best for his/her child), we often gave in to temper which resulted in some verbal abuse (where we did not choose our words kindly or as carefully as I wish we had) and unwanted spankings (far and few in between but still there were undeniably some dreaded episodes).

He makes me smile uncontrollably wide and the joy that spreads within my stomach into my heart and right into my gut is undeniable when he reads and does his lessons well. H and I try not to pressure him, so we do his lessons with large breaks in between so that he won't get bored of them. This seems to suit him and helps his attention span. He's definitely not the sort of kid who likes to do work at long stretches. He does a few pages of Enopi maths, then takes a break. If he has homework that day, he does his homework, then takes a break. Hours later I'd call him over to me and we'd do some BM reading. Another break then we'd do English. Alhamdulillah, in the past two months his lessons have improved so much and I can't describe how happy I am about it.

He takes tennis lessons in school and muay thai one day a week. But there's nothing that he likes more than running around at the playground or wrestling with his friends and cousins. I'm not happy about the wrestling part, but H said it's normal for boys and that he did the same when he was little too.... so I'm trying to bear with it under controlled circumstances. Once it gets out of hand, it'll call for sitting in the corner for all parties involved.

H asked me why a lot of updates are on Adik, and not Abang. And why a lot of pictures are of Adik, not Abang. The truth is that Abang's developments are VERY complex, and they're hard to explain in detail, whereas Adik's developments are still at a superficial level. And lets not talk about how difficult it is to take a picture of Abang! The minute he detects the camera, he'll shriek and run away. And if he's feeling cooperative, it takes a while trying to get a picture that does not have a tongue sticking out or eyes bulged/crossed.

So there. That's why there's no picture here!

The 6 Month Old

Height and weight not taken yet. So here are some random developmental milestones for Adik.

Adik has taken to pulling his ears, even scratching them. I know this is a sign of teething but hey where's the tooth??? It's been months and still no tooth! Today he scratched his ear till it bled. And he just continued nursing while pulling on his ear as if nothing happened. This guy's tough when it comes to pain or discomfort. When they bandaged his arm during his short hospital stay with Intussusception, he just ignored the bandaged arm and continued to play with his toys and even crawled. Once I put socks on both his hands and after trying to take the socks off with no success, he ignored them and continued playing, crawling and even nursing. Funny guy has a high tolerance level I guess.

Adik has also taken to screaming and shrieking and shouting and whatever else. When the mood hits he will shout and shriek so much that it gets difficult for anyone in the same room to talk or even hear the TV. So loud!

But although adik loves to shout, converse and laugh, he does not like unfamiliar faces. Try and come and get him and he'll yell and cry, and would even smack you sometimes if you don't return him to Mummy and Baba.

Adik so wants to eat that he chews and chews and chews and swallows whenever we eat in front of him. He stares at food with bulged eyes and even cries sometimes when the food is taken away from him. Poor guy wants to eat but it's still two more weeks before the six weeks that doctor prescribed is over (he isn't allowed solids till 6 weeks after the Intussusception).

He wants to crawl everywhere. Onto the carpet and the floors and into all crevices if possible, it gets exhausting watching after him. Then he'd look up too long and roll onto his side,right smack onto a hard surface and won't stop crying for ages.

Overall he is a distracting, noisy, fun and tiring package, always filled with energy that knows little boundaries.


Seating in the luggage during our weekend getaway at The Ascott KL.

On Opposite Ends

Adik is loud!

The funny thing is that he's not really that loud during the day. He's super-loud at night. More specifically... he gets REALLY loud in the middle of the night!

When he wakes up from sleep at night to demand a feeding, he SHOUTS and YELLS. Not really what you could call crying, seriously. It's more of a YELLING fest. Hmff.

One of these days I should really have it recorded on camera. So that he'd know how loud he is when he's all grown up.


Adik, looking cool as cucumber with Mama's sunnies perched on his round face.

Abang on the other hand.. has me worried at the other end of the spectrum.

He lets people scold him (like his class teacher, or his cousins..).. he seldom fights back. Even when H scolds him, he'd just sit there with wide eyes and nods and looks scared while he takes the verbal abuse. Err hmm I'm going to get a lot of flack from H when he knows I call his lecturing 'abuse'. Okay the reality is, even when I nag (when I'm upset/angry), Gibran would sit there staring at me with wide eyes and a scared expression while he nods and simply... absorbs the endless nagging.

He worries me.

I'm worried because I want him to stand up to those who wrong him. Not to simply take any kind of crap from people, not to always be pushed around and bullied. At the same time, because he's so mischievous and always up to something ("projects" and misbehaving to the point of driving us up the wall..), I do want him to be able to accept some level of discipline in his life. Discipline from us (his parents and family)... but not taking crap from others!

It is so hard to find a balance :(


Abang, the fellow with a big, sensitive heart.

Update: Ilan's Intussusception

Praise God, there has been no recurrence thus far (and not ever I pray!) and Ilan is still the happy, thriving baby that he is.

He is loud and expressive compared to the suffer-in-silence big brother. At night especially, Ilan's demands are loud and clear in the silence of the night. Abang it seems, has developed a tolerance for Ilan's loud voice and sleeps through the noisy mutterings (yes Ilan mutters and shrieks, he doesn't really cry.. he just... demands.).

Well whatever it is, there is no bigger blessing than to see your loved ones healthy and happy. Syukur Alhamdulillah.


He thinks he can walk :)
(with Kak Sarah who started secondary school in January)

Note: At 5 months, Ilan can commando crawl and even climb over pillows, so he cannot be left alone on the bed anymore!

PD Getaway

Stuff memories are made of..


Adik "officiating" (or... err... "rasmikan"!) the bed.


While Abang officiated the toilet. As usual the minute he arrived, small and big businesses must be done. Ok, I'm all for uniqueness and adventure, but the open-air toilet was a bit freaky to visit at night. Urk.


The boys loved the big shower head though. Yes even the little one does. All three could take a bath at the same time.


They have the same eyes. It's especially obvious in the mornings when they're all puffed up from sleep :)


It was awesome to wake up to the sound of the ocean waves right beneath you.


That was where Adik's love for sitting like a king in the stroller was finally implanted and strengthened.


Nothing beats a beach holiday at a good hotel by the beach where you can just run around shirt-less and jump in and out of the pool and ocean anytime you feel like it.


We swam under the stars on those balmy nights because the pool opened till late. Ilan took his first dip and breastfed and then slept under the moonlight.


He just can't wait for the day he'll be joining Abang on the sand.


Alhamdulillah, the little one took to the holiday like a fish to water.


Doing a karate kid pose.


There you go, my Muay Thai hero :)
(ooh.. did I mention he takes Muay Thai now...?)

It was a splendidly perfect holiday. Is it too much to hope for more to come? :)

A Painful Experience: Intussusception

On Monday we brought Ilan for his MMR jab and the second dose of Rotavirus immunisation. On Tuesday as I was getting my bags ready to leave for work at about 4 pm, Nila was cleaning Ilan's poo and I took over because I knew I would miss him tons at work. As usual I took the diaper off, put it aside and washed him up in the toilet. After dressing him up again, I went into the toilet and opened the diaper for an observation.

Call it paranoia. Call it motherly instinct. About a month ago he had light spots of blood in his poo during a bout of diarrhea. And since then the disturbing, nagging voice at the back of my head keeps telling me that I should continue checking his diaper at every diaper change. When I'm not around and Nila changes him, I'd question her about the colour of the poo, and if there were any blood spots in it. I did this every single day. Don't ask me why, I just did.

Instinct nagged at me to be extra cautious. Weird how motherly instinct works.

On that Tuesday I stopped in my tracks when I saw the bloody jelly-like spots in his diaper. I asked Nila if there were similar spots before (I was doing work at home the whole morning and couldn't monitor Ilan closely). She said no.

As I sat there thinking, Ilan pooed again.

Same jelly-like bloody spots.

I messaged his paed on her mobile phone. Even sent her the picture of poo. Apologised profusely for the need to do so (gross, picture of poo).

And good ol' heart sank when the doc said, hurry, take him to the hospital asap. It might be a condition called Intussusception.

What?! What on earth is that.

Taken from Wikipedia:

"An intussusception is a medical condition in which a part of the intestine has invaginated into another section of intestine, similar to the way in which the parts of a collapsible telescope slide into one another. This can often result in an obstruction. The part that prolapses into the other is called the intussusceptum, and the part that receives it is called the intussuscipiens."

I called work and informed them I wasn't coming in. I could tell they weren't very happy but frankly I couldn't care less. My babies are the most important thing in my life.

Got to Damansara Specialist (our paed told us to see Dr. Razak, the paed surgeon. She had called him in personally), and the M.O. checked Ilan first. A few minutes later Dr. R came in, the kind man was in his workout clothes and had rushed in as soon as he received the call.

A checkup, hmm.. suspicious. One part of his abdomen seemed tender and sensitive. But.. if it's Intussusception, why was this baby so happy? So cheerful. Babies with intussusception would usually be in pain, bawling, upset.

An ultrasound. Suspicious indeed. The radiologist looked serious as she told Dr. R: "Well, doctor, I'm waiting for your call."

It isn't a nice feeling when your doctors look solemn and serious.

It was decided that a Barium Enema would be done.

I was lost. What is that..??? There was no time to consult Mister G00gle. Everything was happening too fast.

Dr. R tried his best to explain the procedure in laymen's terms. It's an xray procedure, but at the same time we will put in a liquid called barium into Ilan's intestines.. the liquid is like a dye so that we can see the intestines in the xrays clearly. At the same time the procedure will also reduce the obstruction and hopefully there will be no need to deal with this through surgery. Ultimately we want to avoid surgery.

Okay doctor, whatever you think is best. We nodded our permission numbly.

Barium Enema:

"A lower gastrointestinal series, also called a barium enema, is a medical procedure used to examine and diagnose problems with the human colon (large intestine). X-ray pictures are taken while barium sulfate fills the colon via the rectum."

We walked into the procedure room.

The doctor pointed to the equipment. We will use a soft tube to insert the barium into his intestines, he said. The tube will be inserted through Ilan's anus.

Ghastly images formed in my head.

I put Ilan down on the xray bed. Took off his clothes, diaper left on. Don't worry, we will cover him with a blanket and he will not be cold, the doctor said kindly.

H and I had to wait outside.

The 20 minutes that followed seemed too long.

Ilan's screams were inhumane. He sounded like he was being mutilated. I covered my ears hard with my hands and recited Allah's name repeatedly. All zikirs and ayats and proper doas learned through childhood and adulthood forgotten and only God's name stuck to my head. Through my hands I could hear Ilan scream continuously and although I told myself to get a grip, when I looked up at H, I couldn't see him. Tears clogged my eyes and then I realised my face was drenched.

I'd never heard a baby cry like that before.

H said he had. Back when they drilled holes into Gibran's lungs in Assunta's Neonatal ICU, and I wasn't there because they'd transferred him into a different hospital.

I went for a walk. I bought guavas.

When I came back, Ilan was on a bed outside the room. H was changing his diaper. Ilan was whimpering. His lips trembled uncontrollably. His hands were shaking. Barium liquid was coming out uncontrollably, in torrents, from his anus. We changed diaper after diaper. His pants were soiled. He was ice cold from fear and the air cond in the procedure room. In the end we wrapped him up and cuddled him close as tightly as we could.

The doctor showed us pictures of his xray and where the intestinal blockage was. Ilan was to spend the night at the hospital for observation.

That night I curled my S-shaped spine onto the small hospital bed and nursed him as much as I could. He had an IV drip on his small left arm. He tried to wave it off all night while I spent the whole night untangling and arranging it back in place. All diapers were given to the nurses for observation.

By afternoon the kindly doctor had come in to check on Ilan and deemed him fit to bring home.

Every day I observe his diaper like a closely guarded science experiment. Every time he throws up I get worried that it might be a negative symptom. When he doesn't feed well I feel bothered and wonder if everything is fine.

The truth is for every pain he went through, I would've gladly traded places with him.

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, InsyaAllah.

Thank you God for letting us keep Ilan.



A few seconds before we stepped out of the procedure room. H took the picture.



Outside the procedure room.



The next day, before going home. Picture taken by Mama Long who came to visit.

Syukur Alhamdulillah, InsyaAllah we pray that there will be no recurrence.